it felt good. it made me happy...but...

the first time was way back in school, funny how its still so fresh in my mind. it started in the 9th std. i used to watch her walking around. she was the prettiest girl i had ever seen. i was too young, too shy, thought i was ugly, thought i was too nerdy for someone so pretty. 1991 we were in the same class. i choose a place to sit in a new class and she came and sat in front of me. i saw the back of her head for a couple of days and was so scared to talk. it took me a couple of weeks of smiling when she looked my way. then we spoke. then we exchanged numbers and started speaking on the phone. it felt good. it made me happy. i broke away from everyone else i knew and spent all my time with her. after a year i made a card for her. on the cover it said 'i love you from the bottom of my socks.....' when you open it inside it said '.....becos the bottom of my heart is not deep enough', i used to drop her to the bus stop everyday and never had the balls to give it to her. then my family decided to move back to delhi. it was the most difficult part of my life to be moving away from her. however it gave me the balls to give her the card. i did. she smiled. we got closer. then i moved 2500 kms away. ha!!

the second time. i dont know how that happened but it took time. she was someone elses and we hit it off really well. got closer and closer. her life was complicated. mine wasnt heading anywhere. we got drunk one night and i realised that i felt love for her. it felt good. it made me happy. i regret that day in leela palace. i sat and told her whats going on in my head. she was shocked and blamed herself for making me feel that way. we stopped talking. we gave each other space. i had to change myself at this point of time. i had to get away from women. i had to stop myself from ever liking someone. i told myself that i have a problem choosing the ones i love. i told myself that i always wanted what i could never have. i did it.

i started concentrating on my work. everything else in my life started falling into place. it felt good. it made me happy. i made good friends. i hung out. people loved me. i stopped getting serious and things were super. i would joke all the time. i lived one day at a time.

then came the third. i dont know what happened. over a period of one week things changed. from someone who was just good fun hanging out with and chilling out with, it become serious. i dont know what i did. i was just being myself. having a good time. she said 'dammit we should be together wtf why are we not'. i didnt realise till today that it was just something she wanted to say. it wasnt what i thought it was meant to be. i got serious. it felt good. it made me happy.

now, none of them are in my life. i drove home in the rain today. i think it rains everytime i feel sad. it does!!!!! it used to make me tell myself that everything would be ok.....now it just makes me sad.

i dont want to ever feel this way again. i dont want to be attached to anyone or anything ever again. it feels good. it makes me happy...but it never lasts........

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.