bitterness

why am i carrying so much of bitterness inside?? i have been trying to push it away but its there. everything seems to be going ok and then suddenly BOOM its out there.

i act like everything is the same and then realise it isnt and try and correct myself. why the fuck cant i just let things be.

trying so hard to change myself because i know that its the only thing in my control.

trying so hard to find out the root of this bitterness. i think i am almost there.

i have never been this way ever before.
i have been a good friend to everyone i know. fuck shit!!! i have known people from 1984 and i still hang out with them and fuck shit!!! i dont have any problems with them.
i know i get bitter when i dont get what i want. its this child in me which starts throwing the tantrums.
i know i distance myself from people who stop making me feel happy when i am around them.
i know that i hate the post-distancing phase, so i try and get back to making things ok and asking questions and trying to figure out what went wrong.
i know that i am letting everyone do what they want with their lives.
i know that i hate it when i stop becoming the person who my friends turn to when they are down.
i know that i hate being alone.
i know that i hate seeing people move on. if its so fucking easy to walk away then it wasnt fucking important.
i am a fucking nice guy who does things from the heart, without thinking too much. I dont want fucking credit for it.

THEN WHY THE FUCK AM I SHOUTING OUT HERE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why arent the answers coming this time. why is it that this year has brought with it these silly small things that i am not able to get through. why am i not able to find the peace i normally find so quickly. why am i thinking so much man!!!! why cant i just sit back and breathe. why cant i just take the chill pill. why is this feeling backk...........